Friday, 26 June 2009

Summer sun - and the livin' is easy...

Ahhh, summer's here. Time to go extreme sunbathing. Find a sunny spot. Stand in it. Look pitiful. Wait for the STAFF to come waddling out with your bed. Start extreme sunbathing. You don't know how? Well, let me tell you what to do. It takes a bit of practise, but I am sure you could learn.
To begin with: Lie in the sun. 

Start pre-heating very gently. Stay upright, in case you haven't the best spot and movement should be necessary. Economy of movement is of the utmost importance. Should an archenemy (e.g. postal worker) appear at the front door, then the rules of Extreme Sunbathing permit you to bark from the comfort of your sunny spot. Don't move, whatever happens!

If the spot is good and you are at a good angle to the sun, lie flat and expose as much surface area as you can. That way you'll get nice and toasty in no time at all. 

Perfect the art of panting whilst lying on your face. That way you can stay in the sun until you are just about to pass out from the heat. Now move into the shade. Stay there until you have cooled down by  a couple of degrees (this should not take more than 4 1/2 minutes). 

Repeat process all day. Or until the sun goes in. If that happens before dinner time, look at the STAFF in an accusing fashion. It probably IS their fault. Somehow. 

When Extreme Sunbathing is done right, it provides hours of exciting bliss. Sure, it is tiring, but the rewards are immense. Go on. Spoil yourself. Try it! 

PS: In the event of the Sun going in or the Wind picking up, switch to Plan B. 

If you feel even the slightest discomfort outside, say from a breezy breeze, retreat indoors immediately. Do not hesitate, or you may get cold!

Indoor Extreme Sunbathing can be conducted by the same principles as the outdoor version. 

You do however have to keep an eye on the STAFF, lest THEY get it in THEIR silly heads to close the blinds, which reduces the heat. Why are THEY so cruel?

But if the STAFF are nowhere near the blinds and you have a comfy spot, just go to sleep. 

Not a bad second choice, at all!

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