Saturday, 27 June 2009

After Dinner Exercises

Every evening needs a bit of entertainment. I have my red ball. Filled with tasty snacks. I trained the STAFF into filling it. The deal is that I go out for a wee after breakfast and dinner - which I don't like (going out I don't like, I love breakfast and dinner!) - and the STAFF fill me my red ball with treats. Yum! 
Come to Otto Schnuff, little Biscuits! Come, come, come. 

When I first got the red ball, I believed the STAFFs' instructions and was running around with it rolling on the floor. But then I quickly realised that you can achieve the same effect whilst lying on the floor, on a soft and warm rug. Without moving much at all. As I have a keen interest in all nutritional matters I know that the fewer calories you burn whilst eating food the more calories you get to keep from the food. Economy of movement is, yet again, a key principle!

The instant the last biscuit has made its way out of the ball and into my chops, I lose interest in that thing completely. Boring! So totally yesterday!

And then the exercises begin. Essentially this training is 101 easy ways to tell the STAFF that you really would care for another biscuit, or two.  As you can imagine, the STAFF took a while to pick up on the general principles, but now it is going ok. 

Here I am demonstrating one easy way of getting a biscuit and exuberant praise: Lie on a comfy rug (couldn't lie on the hard floors, natch! Ordered those soft little wool rugs tailor-made for me!). Anyway, lie there until the STAFF call you. And get a biscuit. Easy.

What is devilishly difficult is a slight variety on the Do-nothing=get-biscuit. Here the STAFF cruelly put a tempting biscuit right in front of you. But you mustn't eat it, NO! THEY get very upset when you do. When you exercise supreme self-control and don't take it, you get that one AND another one. Leaving it is therefore the only rational decision.  

And then, THEY up the ante further by putting snacks on your paws! 

And with 3 tasty snacks, within reach, within sight and smell, you have to wait. 

Sometimes I have to lie there for days! I have the self-control of any Zen master by now.

And when your work is done, the STAFF are rightly proud! And I reward THEM by cuddling up on the sofa for a bit before I retreat to the peace and quiet of my own bed. I need my rest, so that I am ready for the next day. 

My days are filled with fun. 

Friday, 26 June 2009

Summer sun - and the livin' is easy...

Ahhh, summer's here. Time to go extreme sunbathing. Find a sunny spot. Stand in it. Look pitiful. Wait for the STAFF to come waddling out with your bed. Start extreme sunbathing. You don't know how? Well, let me tell you what to do. It takes a bit of practise, but I am sure you could learn.
To begin with: Lie in the sun. 

Start pre-heating very gently. Stay upright, in case you haven't the best spot and movement should be necessary. Economy of movement is of the utmost importance. Should an archenemy (e.g. postal worker) appear at the front door, then the rules of Extreme Sunbathing permit you to bark from the comfort of your sunny spot. Don't move, whatever happens!

If the spot is good and you are at a good angle to the sun, lie flat and expose as much surface area as you can. That way you'll get nice and toasty in no time at all. 

Perfect the art of panting whilst lying on your face. That way you can stay in the sun until you are just about to pass out from the heat. Now move into the shade. Stay there until you have cooled down by  a couple of degrees (this should not take more than 4 1/2 minutes). 

Repeat process all day. Or until the sun goes in. If that happens before dinner time, look at the STAFF in an accusing fashion. It probably IS their fault. Somehow. 

When Extreme Sunbathing is done right, it provides hours of exciting bliss. Sure, it is tiring, but the rewards are immense. Go on. Spoil yourself. Try it! 

PS: In the event of the Sun going in or the Wind picking up, switch to Plan B. 

If you feel even the slightest discomfort outside, say from a breezy breeze, retreat indoors immediately. Do not hesitate, or you may get cold!

Indoor Extreme Sunbathing can be conducted by the same principles as the outdoor version. 

You do however have to keep an eye on the STAFF, lest THEY get it in THEIR silly heads to close the blinds, which reduces the heat. Why are THEY so cruel?

But if the STAFF are nowhere near the blinds and you have a comfy spot, just go to sleep. 

Not a bad second choice, at all!

Sunday, 21 June 2009

guarding the weak, young and flightless is tiring work

I am sooo tired. I have been guarding the fledging blackbirds from the cats all day.
Cats. Honestly. Huh!
I am extremely tired now and have put the STAFF in charge of any further guarding duties. I have already missed out on 4 hours daytime napping and I could not possibly forego any more. 

Let's hope the little fluffballs will make it through the night. AND learn to fly soon!

Friday, 19 June 2009

swimming - the fountain of youth!

So, I've been swimming a few times now. And it is great! A brisk swim against the most powerful jet streams you can imagine! Then the most sensational relaxation in the hot tub. Quick shower and rub down. Tuck shop and home. I'm going every week now and I am absolutely loving it!

I have not felt so good in years! My legs don't ache. And my muscles bulge. I could move mountains! I could fell trees with my bare paws and get me some squirrel snacks. I could run a marathon. Twice. In one day. I could do anything I wanted to! 

Right now, though, I am having a snooze with my buddy Larry Lamb. 

You would, too, if you could. Wouldn't you?

Tomorrow, I'll be ready for action again. Life, I am telling you, is good.