Sunday, 18 November 2007

I'm going to sack the STAFF! Applications are welcome!

So, it is a really, really cold and wet rainy November day. Cold. Damp. Really wet. What would any sensible person do? I can tell you: double breakfast, nice fire, extra blankets, and - most important that one - stay indoors! What do the STAFF do? What with them not being sensible at all! They drag us out on a long walk through Thieves Wood. Normally I quite like going there. Also, there's a tuck shop and you can buy a suasage for 30 pence. Not that they have sprung for one lately - stingy! But that's another matter.

So, they left my coat in the car. Went on a long walk. And I got absolutely frozen. So, now I am spending my time choking to indicate that they did give me double pneumonia bronchitis. And no amount of blankets is going to stop me from complaining.

Applications for replacing the STAFF from trained and sensible personnel are very welcome!

PS: I suppose the STAFF are trying. Still, I can't get warm. Maybe they will fetch me more blankets? And let's see what other stuff I can get them to do whilst they are on their guilt trip.


Gerlinde said...

Oh Otto, this is unbelievable! Was that piece of underwear not enough? The thoughtlessness just not seems to end since!
I would gladly adopt you, but I don't think you would really want to trade your forests, and squirrels and fluffy sheep, for Alps and wicked mountaingoats. Although you might want to try the woisswuaschd.
Get well soon big guy!
Looove ya, Gerlinde
PS - so they got you a new camera!

Otto the Weimaraner said...

Gerlinde! You are a true friend!

I am considering your application and I am not just saying it because of the woisswuaschd, but mainly because you seem much nicer than the awful STAFF. Just a couple of things to clarify; mountaingoats? are they like squirrels and I could chase them? also, would you make me my own hot water bottle every night? and could I have a bed in every room (always in the warmest spot)? and could I eat all day whatever I want? And would you rub my chest? These are just some basics. I look forward to hearing your response and finding out what you can offer!

Yours, Otto
PS: Yes, the STAFF are prancing about with the new camera... And a camcorder, too. They are soooo annoying.

Gerlinde said...

Honey, OF COURSE I will make you a bottle of hot water every night! And don’t forget to bring your coat! See, it’s snowy and freezing cold already and the winter is long, and at nights, you will be out there on your night watches, in front of our little log cabin in the mountains. And other than your stone-hearted STAFF, I DO care, and I couldn’t sleep well, snuggled warm and safely in my down bed, with brave Otto outside on the Blizzard-ridden porch, having no bottle of hot water. It would just not feel right. I know, I have a soft heart, don’t tell me.
So, about those night watches, not that there was anything to fear. The danger of brown bears is greatly exaggerated. The one roaming about last year was really quickly cornered by an expert team of the mountain troops, I think they only took about 2 and a half months to corner him, and he had until then only killed eight cows, 12 sheep, and a Swiss Army Berner Sennenhund who was on mountain patrol, and his Staff including two armed sharpshooters. Poor guy, the dog I mean, but he was rewarded with a medal post mortem!
So, see, nothing for a big hound dog to worry about. I would just sleep much better if I knew you were out there.
About the beds – well of course, you can even have a sofa of your own, just like you’re used to, and a bean bed! You’ll just have to share it with Sita, a manic-depressive Siamese, but I’m sure you two will be GREAT friends! She’s a bitch when she’s sober, but fortunately, that doesn’t happen often.
Of course you can eat anything you want all day long, I bought a wagon load of “meezer’s favourite” in different great tastes (Tuna, Salmon, Ocean Fish…) will that be fine? Just please be careful not to accidentally eat Ruben von Zwack, the other cat, honey - I have seen your appetite, and worry that you might not notice when there’s someone small between you and your food bowel.
About that woisswuaschd – okay, here’s the deal: one for each severed head of a brown bear on the porch! (Yes, armed burglars count, too). Just don’t expect me to rub your chest the next 48 hours then, dear, I'm quite sensitive and can’t stand the breath you get from these things. They consist solely of Hirnderl, Hueferl, Sackerl and other unspeakable stuff, hence the smell (everything in Bavaria that comes with a diminuitive is evil, foodwise. Must remember to warn your STAFF before they get here next year).
Speaking of the STAFF: I am a bit concerned of what will become of them with you gone. What will their life be? They will be able to sleep long, spend nights out, and have all these sofas, futons and beds just for themselves.
Oh anyway, I’m so excited! When are you coming?

Otto the Weimaraner said...

Hallo Gerlinde! I am now able to leave my sick bed for long enough to reply to your kind and most welcome application! So, let me give you some feedback.
On the *very* positive side are the list of sausage ingredients. I got the STAFF to translate and don't mind telling you that Hirnderl, Hueferl, Sackerl are amongst my most favourite things! Yum! I once had the "pizzle" of a bull (I am not sure what that is in German. I asked the STAFF to translate, but they were strangely reluctant. Still, it's something the bull only has one of and quite expensive and I only had it once, and what a delight it was. Still, I digress and must get back to your application).
Cats don't bother me. AS long as they know that I get the sunniest and warmest spots in the house. And they sound nice and normal (by my standards).
But, and I am sorry that I have to be blunt, where it all falls down, and down so far that you could not float it back up even with the largest zeppelin, is on the description of my (perish the thought) o.u.t.d.o.o.r.s.i.n.t.h.e.c.o.l.d.a.n.d.d.a.r.k.d.u.t.i.e.s.
Sorry, but no can do. And don't even get me started on the wild animals. Please arrange for their removal in time for our visit in July. Thank you, much obliged.

So, thank you for your application. But I did not realise that Bavaria was such a wild place, and, given the information I now have, I feel that I have to reject your application.

I look forward to corresponding with you again soon. On that note, what do you think of the STAFFs' latest outrage?!

As ever, yours lovingly, Otto