The Great Pig Swindle of Snottingham

I was conned. Cruelly. By the STAFF. THEY came back from shopping and when I did the customary bag inspection, THEY trilled happily that THEY got me a little something. In response to my inquiring look THEY said: "We got you a pig". Well, my heart nearly thumped out through my thorax in excited joy! Focus, I told myself. Focus! Now was not the time to mess things up. A whole pig! After hours of fumbling in the bag, the STAFF got it out and presented it to me. I had not felt this happy in months, years, ever! - and ran off at high speed to my soft eating area, reserved for eating special treats. 

I sort of knew something was wrong. I had seen pigs before and they seemed, well, big. So, I was surprised I could carry a whole one in my mouth, just like that. And then more things began to feel wrong.... like the taste.... and the texture.... and well, everything! 

And suddenly realisation hit me like a streak of bacon in the face - only not at all like bacon in a very important way. It's a toy. 'Amusingly' shaped like a pig. It's an oinking toy, would you believe!? My disappointment was limitless and crushing. As you can imagine, I have not looked at the pig, or the STAFF, since this incident. I am treating all of them with the disdain they deserve. 

I know TWO people, who are completely off my Christmas list.