the game of kings

I am contemplating my next move. The STAFFs' puny intellects are no match for me. But even if THEY should stumble on a good move and my brains won't win it on this one occasion, well, guess who's top in the brawns department? (Hint: starts with o, ends in o, has two ts in the middle).

Everything is a game of chess. Getting the best sofa. The warmest bed. The best food. The most attention. The STAFF try all sorts of strategies, but in the end, it is always check mate.

Now, back to my game of chess. I like the new chess figures. The wood smells very yummy, and could do with some 'personalizing'. You cannot beat that sort of thoughtful gift for Christmas, can you now.

Weimaraner 0 : Nasty Shrub 1

ouchy ouchy ouchy... This morning the STAFF forced me to run through the woods (formerly, but not any more, known as best wood) in the pitch black dark. Again. I don't know what gave them the idea I would enjoy that!?

Anyways, I was just progressing at a comfortable trot (3rd gear and accelerating) when a shrub, with nasty sharp branches at chest height, appeared out of nowhere and attacked me! One minute, nice woody open space, next minute big spiky sticks scraping my chest. Now, you'll remember that my chest is no longer protected by a nice layer of fat, so the skin was scraped right off. Ouch!

I am convalescing at home now. I have made it very clear to the STAFF that it is all their fault. They are, therefore, and quite rightly, trying to make it up to me. Extra blankets and a big dinner. Here you can see the big wound on my chest. Incidentally, I am lying on a member of STAFF. It made me feel a lot better! 

I hope I'll be all better for my morning hunt. This time  I think I will take the long way around the obstacles. 

Routine is the spice of life!

The STAFF have finally learned! Who'd have thought it would ever happen? Not me! But, bless THEM, their training has really come along in the last few weeks!

My days, Monday to Sunday are now a verrry nice routine:

well before sunrise: Up and to the Best wood (before any dogs get there, I want it all to myself). We like to get there when it is still dark and the scents are fresh! If the STAFF are sluggish in the morning, I get out the big guns! I have really nailed the frequency of my yelping now, and can get the STAFF from bed to bottom of the stairs in 3 yelps = 30 seconds flat. Not bad, eh! 

And off we go. 

8am: Home and a nice hearty breakfast. 

8:30am: Up on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and aaaaahhh, relax! In summer: sun bathing. The STAFF go out some days, not others. I don't really keep track of this, because I don't need THEM for this part of the day. As long as THEY don't bother me, crowd me on the sofa or cramp my style, I like to give THEM a bit of freedom. Personally, I think THEY should nap. Might make them look less tired in the morning. 

5:45pm (sharp!) Quick stroll around the block. Just to check the news, (we)e-mail and all. AND to see whether the nice Greyhound lady might be out on her evening round. Hellloooo baby!

Then, an impossibly long and cruel wait until the STAFF have finished feasting on their dinner before I can have mine. Meanies!

The highlight of my evening (apart from dinner!) is the training I do with the STAFF. So far I have taught them well over 20 different ways of understanding: Give me a biscuit now!  THEY are quite fast learners. I might show you some footage of the exercises later.

After all that work, I am quite tired and like to nap until bed time, when it is time for my quick patrol round the yard and then a biscuit treasure hunt. Then quick back to bed, after all, my day starts early.

I really don't know why it took them so long to understand my very simple needs! 

aaaaahhh....I'm wasting away!

The STAFF dragged me to the vets today. I could say a lot about that, but I have bigger fish to fry!I hopped on the scales today and I am a vanishingly small 34.8kg. When I arrived with the STAFF 4 years ago I was a strapping lad weighing 47.5kg. Perhaps a leeeetle on the heavy side. It was quite hard to walk up hills, or down hills, and jump, or run etc. and I did look like a fat labrador, but, hey, that's all besides the point because I  was warm! I am not sure what THEY are playing at, but I was pleased to hear the vet say that I looked muscly and healthy and should not lose any more weight. Perhaps I should have asked to get that very important point in writing? 

And, to be frank, and you know I am, there's  something that really bug me:

• Everything is at least 1 hour late! It started on Sunday. We were an hour late for the morning walk, and an hour late for the evening walk. And it has continued like that ever since. I asked the STAFF about this. Repeatedly. THEY say it is some kind of Daylight Saving Time. I think that's just an excuse. But whatever it is, it really winds me up! I like knowing what is going to happen when. I'll continue to remind them that I want to go out when it feels like the right time, no matter what the clocks say. 

Why do I even stay with them, you might, quite rightly, ask? Well, in THEIR madness there appears to be some good stuff. On very rare occasions. And this is one of them. The STAFF put me through some really shocking training when we were in the Bavarian mountains over the summer. There was BIG, LOUD thunderstorms every afternoon, lasting most of the night. We were in a tent, which is clearly not safe in a thunderstorm, so I insisted that everyone sleeps in the car during the storm. I, for one, was very comfortable. But one night, the storm started after we had gone to bed in the tent. I tried to wake the STAFF, so that we could urgently evacuate to the car, but they were out like logs! Nothing I did woke them up. In the end, I fell asleep, curled up against them. And we all slept through the storm, thundering and lightning right over our heads. Shocking stuff. But somehow it really helps me with all the fireworks now. What's a bit of noise like that after you have braved the eye of the storm?

In a nutshell, my advice to you: don't leave the STAFF in charge of how much food you'll get, or you could find yourself all muscly and toned like me. And who would want that? Don't change the clocks unless you enjoy the sound of whining for an hour in the morning and the evening. Sleep in the eye of the storm, get a dap diffuser (smells like mummy), and relax during fireworks.

And, lastly, don't tangle up your legs like this if you want to be ready to "greet" the postie. I don't want to go into details, but it could be embarrassing...

Brrrr.... it's cold outside!

It is cold outside, but I do love these cold evenings. The STAFF and I snuggle up on the sofa. Well, one of the STAFF gets to snuggle, the OTHER has to sit on the small sofa, in the window, where it's draughty. All on their own. Life can be tough, I suppose.  

Me, I am verrry cozy. And a little sleepy. Tomorrow, I'll be ready for adventure!

I HATE baths

I am not having a good day! First of all, it was raining. A lot. I do not like rain. 

I did find something very nice in the woods to roll in, which gave me a fantastic aroma. But the STAFF, overcome by jealousy, washed it off. Really! THEY gave me a b.a.t.h. in the rain! How cruel can you get? 

You probably cannot tell from my sunny expression, but I am not happy.

What I am looking forward to is the moment when the STAFF realise that the smell has not actually washed off at all. Hah! Their puny efforts were in vain. And I shall be having the last laugh!

aaaaah..autumn is here!

I love autumn. Don't you? It's still nice and dark in the morning when we get up now. I love it! I am sure the STAFF do, too, but I wish THEY would make more of an effort to look chirpy. I mean, what's not to like? We are like creatures of the night. And when we get to the woods the hunting is fantastic! There's foxes. Rabbits. And when the sun comes up the squirrels come out. Perfect!

Yesterday, I had a great find. Fearless hunter that I am, I was crashing through the undergrowth, sniffing here and there, when the scent hit me. It was just as well, the scent hit me before I stood on it, because it was a hedgehog I found. Yum! Trouble is, the stupid thing rolled up into a spiky little ball and I did not really fancy getting my chompers into that. But I knew what to do. Same as I do at home when I want something and the STAFF are a bit slow. So, I did a verrrry tidy sit. Works every time: do a tidy sit, look adorable and, hey presto, you get stuff. After a while I realised that this hedgehog had not received the memo on what to do when I do a tidy sit. Outrageously, it stayed curled up. Now, you'll agree that's not right!

I was not sure what do to next, so I was quite glad when the STAFF appeared on the scene. Glad that is, until THEY dragged me away from my prey. Now, why would you do that? I thought THEY were going to help me with that stubborn spiky fool!

Anyway, I didn't have much time to be outraged, because I got the scent of something else and I did not have time to tell the STAFF my frank opinion of their behaviour. I had to be off at high speed. 

I can see why the wildlife is scared of me, can't you? The STAFF took this picture of me today and I must say, in the dark I am p-retty scary. Excellent! Cower wildlife! 

I think I look like the Hound of the Baskervilles. Only better! And much more scary!

The STAFF were waddling at an even slower speed than usual today. I swear frozen treacle could flow uphill faster than those two. As, I said, THEY were even slower today, because THEY faffed with the camera and took some little films of my activities. Of course THEY couldn't get me on film whilst hunting. A) the great lumbering fools are too slow, B) I am too fast, and C) it's too dark. But, THEY did get a bit of footage. It's not very good, but I post it here out of pity. THEY do try very hard, bless them. And you never know, THEY might get better at this and do me more justice with their next attempt. You have to stay optimistic. Especially if you have STAFF like I do.

 

Tomorrow, I'll get THEM out of bed earlier again. Why would you want to stay in bed past 6am on such glorious days?